A Recipe for Low Self-Esteem
“Why do I have low self-esteem and how do I improve it?” This is a question I often receive in early goal-setting sessions with clients. Self-esteem can be defined as having a positive or favorable perception of yourself. It is influenced by a person’s confidence levels, ability to see themselves as valuable, and beliefs about whether or not they are generally likable as a person.
Self-esteem has a huge impact on a person’s emotions, and thus effects their thoughts, behaviors, and decision-making. A person with high self-esteem will wake up in the morning, and even if know they will likely come across challenges throughout their day, they feel confident that they are equipped to handle them. They expect to engage in meaningful relationships throughout the day, which causes them to be more open to opportunities for connection with others. If something difficult happens, they are less likely to take it as a personal blow to their self worth. They are more likely to take healthy risks and to try new things, thus adding to their skill sets and improving confidence that they can do hard things. Failure provides an opportunity to learn to manage disappointment, find a new way to do something and to keep trying.
Contrastingly, someone with low self-esteem may wake up feeling gloomy and depressed, certain that the day holds nothing but problems for which they are unequipped to face. They interact with others with the expectation that everyone else sees them as a failure or a loser, which causes them to shy away from connection and opportunities. They are too afraid to take risks, certain that it will result in failure that will only further their low opinions of themselves. They play it safe with the intention of not letting others see what a mess they are and to keep their self-esteem from slipping lower, although such attempts only keep them further stuck in their low self-worth.
Listed below are ingredients for low self-esteem. If you want to maintain a low opinion of yourself, by all means, keep up the following actions. Take a moment and assess where you see yourself participating in the following behaviors.
Play it safe. Don’t take risks. People tend to play it safe as a means of self-protection, as failure would be yet another nail in their coffin of low self-worth. Not taking risks, however, actually prevents people from seizing opportunities that will prove that they can do more than they originally thought possible, or helping them recognize that they can bounce back from failed attempts. It keeps them stuck in a rut.
People-please. Be who you think others want you to be and do whatever it is you think they want you to do without ever taking time to get to know yourself or to let others get to know the real you. This strengthens the belief that people only love the version of you that you’ve been portraying to them, or that people will only love you if you keep them happy.
Be perfect. If you could only be perfect, you’d feel better about yourself and others will love you, right? The problem is, you’re never going to be perfect, and healthy people will not expect you to be so.
Carry on with negative self talk. Take a moment and listen to what you say about yourself, whether outloud to others or silently in your own head. Repetition increases and strengthens a belief. Constantly telling yourself that you are a failure, or stupid, or will never get it right will only further ingrain your low opinion of yourself.
Avoid vulnerability. You can’t let others know that you’re struggling or need help, right? Because then they will see you for the hot mess and failure that you believe you are. You tell yourself it’s actually a good thing to keep your problems to yourself, because you are taking responsibility for your issues and not being a burden to others. Vulnerability actually leads to connection and acceptance. It’s easier to overcome problems when we have teammates, or even just the support of bystanders.
Neglect your own needs. Work through your lunch break. Stay up all night answering emails. Don’t waste money on getting therapy when you should be able to deal with your problems on your own. Don’t take time for exercise, alone time, or sleep because other people need you, and you desperately need to help them in order to feel that you have worth. When you allow yourself to focus on your own needs, you are inherently telling yourself that you have value. Addressing your own needs will also allow you to show up more powerfully and significantly in your day and for others, which is a recipe for good self esteem.
Did anything above resonate for you? How frequently do you participate in the above behaviors? Self-awareness of behaviors that are actually enhancing what we don’t really want (low self-esteem) is the first step in changing or reducing those behaviors.
Need to understand the why behind why you struggle to see yourself in a good light? Take some time to think about when and where negative beliefs about yourself first started forming. What past experiences have taught you that you’re not good enough or capable? What environments, circumstances, or people in your present are reinforcing your negative self-esteem? You may benefit from some guidance and support from a mental health professional if you have difficulty breaking the above patterns of behavior.
The therapists at Clarity Christian Counseling, PLLC can help you! Schedule a complimentary consultation call today by completing the request form here.
Disclaimer: All information in blog posts is to be utilized at the reader’s discretion and is not a replacement for therapy.