How to Respond when Your Teen is Asking for Therapy
Is your tween or teen asking you for therapy? In the past, most of the calls I received from parents were because they thought their kids needed therapy. It was the parent’s idea rather than the teen’s. In recent years, however, I’ve seen a shift where parents are now contacting me because their kid is actually the one asking for therapy. Many parents feel unsure how to respond and what to do. If this is you, and your teen or tween is asking for therapy, the following tips are going to help.
1) Take a deep breath and don’t freak out.
Your initial reaction might be one out of fear or panic. You might notice thoughts racing through your mind like, “Something must be really wrong!” Worse case scenarios of your child being suicidal or having some severe disorder might flood your imagination. But stop and take a deep breath before jumping to conclusions. Do your best to calmly and gently respond.
2) Ask them why they would like to try therapy.
Some parents ignore their child’s question because they are afraid to respond or don’t know how to respond, but it’s important to ask your child why they feel like they would need therapy. This will make them feel heard and know their needs and requests are important to you. Ask them gently without sounding fearful or accusatory. Let them know that you appreciate their courage to ask and that you are open to considering it. You can say something like, “Thanks for letting me know that you are interested in therapy. Can you tell me why you are thinking you need it right now?” Help your kid feel safe asking you for something that may feel vulnerable for them. Responding with fear, anger, or irritation will be more likely to cause them to feel shame or feel misunderstood, which leads to a child shutting down. Keep the doorway for communication open.
3) Avoid getting frustrated or angry if your teen does not know how to answer or fails to give you an answer that you want to hear.
It is not uncommon for kids to say they don’t know or to struggle to verbalize why they think they need therapy. Awareness of our emotional needs and the ability to verbalize those needs to others are not skills we are all born with. Even adults struggle to know how to communicate emotional needs with other caring adults in their life, so it’s understandable that your child lacks the skills or courage to do so. If your kid does not give you a clear answer, respond with patience and kindness, assuring them that you can keep discussing it and are willing to look in to getting them the help that they need.
4) Don’t take it as personal failure or rejection if your kid is wanting to talk to a therapist.
It’s completely normal for kids to want to talk to an uninvolved third party about their problems rather than a family member whose opinion of them holds much more weight than that of a therapist. A request to speak with a therapist does not mean that they do not see you as loving, capable, or trustworthy. It also does not mean that you are a failure as a parent. Even if you do everything to the best of your ability, your kid is going to have needs that you cannot fulfill at times. It’s good that they are aware that they need help and asking for help in those areas, so you do not need to beat yourself up for your feared shortcomings.
5) Evaluate the benefits of therapy.
A lot of parents will immediately being thinking of the perceived negative risks of putting their child in therapy. They worry that the their kid will be labeled as crazy or mentally unstable. They worry that the therapist will steer their teen or tween in the wrong direction. They worry that therapy will make their child think that “normal teenager stuff” is actually a mental health disorder. It’s okay to have these concerns, but I encourage you to recognize the benefits of allowing your child to see a therapist when they are asking for help. It will show them that their request for help was not ignored and that their needs and feelings are important, which will strengthen their relationship and trust in your ability to respond to their needs. It will also show them that seeking help from experts and professionals is nothing to be ashamed about, allowing them to access available resources that will help them be better able to succeed now and in the future. Therapy will also help increase their self awareness and self understanding, as well as improve your teen’s ability to identify and communicate their needs, and become more empowered to cope with challenges and struggles they face. Generally speaking, the benefits outweigh the risks!
6) Take time to talk to your teen’s therapist before making an appointment for your teen.
Most therapists will offer a short complimentary consultation prior to booking. This will give you a chance to express your concerns and ask any questions you have. In order for your child to be most successful in therapy, it is important that you feel you can trust their therapist. This will assuage your fears and help you know what to expect with how your therapist works with minor clients. You can ask about any values or styles of therapy that are of importance for you in who works with your child, as well as how the therapist incorporates a parent into treatment when working with teen clients.
Kimberly Kruse is a licensed therapist with extensive experience working with children and teens from age 10 and up. She is currently accepting clients virtually and in person at her office in Briargate in Colorado Springs. Schedule a complimentary phone consultation today by texting 818-493-1655 or completing the form here.